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Well, this sucks.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on this blog. While I would like to say that that’s because of COVID-19 and the general impending sense of doom I feel most days because of COVID-19… mostly, it’s just because I’ve had a difficult time finding the motivation to write for someone who isn’t paying me to do it (aka myself). But I’ve finally found myself with a day that has no deadlines, so here I am.

The last time I wrote on my blog it was the beginning of 2020 and I was coming off of a (mostly) wonderful 2019. I was in the final stages of planning Jake and I’s May 2020 wedding (ha!), I was looking forward to a summer and fall full of trips (haha!), and I thought I was ready for everything the year had to give me (hahaha!). Spoiler: I was not! Instead, Jake and I’s wedding is now (hopefully?) in April 2021, the idea of getting on a plane anytime soon now makes me want to hyperventilate, and though we’re only in mid-May, 2020 has proven itself to be a flaming, unrelenting hellscape of a year. Also, Tom Brady is now the quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. So, yeah, things have gotten really freaking weird.

And here’s the thing: It sucks. All of it. (Well, actually, Tom Brady being on the Bucs has been a high point, but I digress.) Part of me certainly wishes I had known at the end of 2019 that all of this was around the corner. I could have prepared — started singing “Happy Birthday” while washing my hands more often, began stocking up on wine and Lysol, invested heavily in the puzzle industry, etc. But… another part of me thinks that the only thing worse than the current reality is if we had all seen it coming. Of course, I’m speaking from an emotional standpoint here. Practically speaking, some foresight would have probably been helpful. But, emotionally, the fact that I can still remember a not-so-distant time when the most annoying aspect of my day was someone cutting me in line at Target is oddly comforting. Honestly, the fact that I can still remember the inside of a Target at all is kind of nice. And hey, we’re getting through it.

For Jake and I, we’re currently on day 65 of quarantining/social distancing, etc. and mostly, we’re fine. Sure, we got in a fight this morning about the frequency with which Jake cracks his knuckles and also one time about me insulting his singing voice (to be clear: Jake doesn’t sing, so not sure how we go to that disagreement, but… welcome to quarantine). But, despite occasional bickering, we’re OK. We’re healthy. Our families are healthy. We both have our jobs still, and we’ve also found some new hobbies to occupy our time and distract us from the crushing reality of… well, reality.

Jake has discovered a love of gardening, and I’ve started pickling every vegetable we have (truthfully, I’m fairly close to pickling random household objects at this point just to see what happens — the Apple TV remote? Our toaster? Really, what’s the worst that can happen?). We drink a lot of wine and enjoy drunkenly watching HGTV shows together while screaming at couples who are searching for a 12-bedroom home, 23-bathroom home complete with a a kitchen with a marble island the size of an actual island, solar power, a walk-in closet, and a space outside for the baby goats and their budding arugula farm. We both exercise more regularly than we have in years thanks to Jake’s impulse purchase of a treadmill in February. I have a tiny, yet promising bicep forming that I flex for Jake on a weekly basis because I literally see no one else and also sometimes it’s unclear if I’m imagining it. Jake’s biceps are also doing well, thanks for asking. He ordered what I’ve estimated to be a 12-year supply of protein powder that now takes up roughly 65% of our kitchen pantry and he once told me his daily workouts are now the “only thing he looks forward to,” which, yes, felt like a bit of a personal dig at the time, but I let it slide.

Seriously speaking, though, we really haven’t had trouble finding ways to pass the time. Zoom happy hours. Tiger King. Zoom happy hours specifically about Tiger King. Walks with Winnie. Scrabble. Space-themed movie marathons. More reading, podcasts, and cooking than ever. We’re making it work. And actually, oddly enough, I’m thankful for a lot of things these days. For all of the things listed above (though not the sheer amount of protein powder currently in my home, if we’re really being honest). For the fact that rescheduling our wedding was stressful, but that we were able to do it thanks to kind and flexible vendors. For having an outdoor space we can use often. For finding new hobbies and interests. And, yes, for my tiny bicep.

But, still, none of that changes the fact that this all sucks. It just does. In fact, the sheer amount of reasons for which it sucks is amazing in and of itself. It sucks because I don’t know the next time I’ll see my family or friends. It sucks because we have no idea when we’ll be able to have the wedding we spent so long planning. It sucks because I’m afraid of getting sick and of my loved ones getting sick, and I am afraid of it often. It sucks because there’s no end point, no countdown, no light at the end of this very long, very dark, absolute motherfucker of a tunnel.

This time last year, I was in Italy on a vacation with Jake and my entire family. Our wedding was finally, officially less than a year away and I can vividly remember thinking that it still felt so far away. But I can also remember telling myself the same thing I always tell myself when things seem far away — that the days would pass, time would move, and May 9 would come, whether it seemed like it or not. I told myself that as I had that very thought, time was passing. That I was closer to May 9 than I had been 10 seconds ago. And though our wedding is now, again, 300+ day away and we all have no idea when this will all end, I still find myself telling myself the same thing as I did then: The days will pass. Time will move. And when I finish typing this sentence, we’ll all be a little bit closer to the day when things don’t suck so very much anymore at all.

  1. Gabrielle

    May 14th, 2020 at 10:01 pm

    Olivia, I’ve been following you on social and reading your words for a few years now, and I’m still blown away by how wonderful you put the human emotion and spirit into words.

    Thank you.

  2. Kim Muenter

    May 14th, 2020 at 10:23 pm

    This too will pass, and yes it does suck. Keep the hope, Hope and fear can not coexist. Choose hope
    Love you!!

  3. Ami

    May 15th, 2020 at 1:31 pm

    So much love to you.

  4. Georgia K

    May 17th, 2020 at 11:24 pm

    We are at the point where we laugh everytime sth bad happens, especially regarding government policies.
    We even had a cards-against-humanity type of (virtual) game night where we drunkenly guessed what other natural disasters/pandemics/shortages/assassinations/wine emergencies 2020 holds. It was ridiculous and scary and cathartic, definitely recommend.
    Stay safe and this , too, shall pass.

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